Town and Country - DVD podBLAST

The DVD podBLAST Finale.

Proof of one of the running threads of DVD podBLAST: If you don't make us care about your characters, then your movie sucks.

Nothing But Trouble - DVD podBLAST

Dan Ackroyd: How dare you, sir.

How DARE you, sir!

How. DaaaAAAARRRREEEE YOU SIR!!!!

The Hottie & the Nottie - DVD podBLAST

Paris Hilton stars in this simple but classic story about a (supposedly) hot chick who won't date someone until her (supposedly) ugly friend finds someone.

This film grossed around $27K domestically, an average of 28 people per theater over opening weekend.

Interestingly, if not for the presence of Ms. Hilton, this movie probably would have been a typical indie love story, flying under the radar and grabbing at least a normal box office for what it is.

Thus proving the equation, Paris Hilton = Disaster.

Inspector Gadget - DVD podBLAST

Plot synopsis: A lonely security guard. A sexy woman who doesn't give him the time of day. Their paths cross one day when the woman's father is brutally murdered with a shot to the head and the murderers attempt to make off with a severed, robotic limb.

Brimming with a toxic mix of lust and anger, the security guard chases the murderers down, only to be killed when a stick of dynamite is thrown into his wrecked car.

Through the miracle of science, he is brought back to life as a half-human, half-machine hybrid.

The rest sort of writes itself.

Studio: Disney.

Target Audience: Kids.

Kazaam - DVD podBLAST

Shaquille O'Neal as a genie in a boombox who follows a young boy around in order to grant him three wishes.

Really, he's a professional basketball player who wants to kick-start his rapping career.

So, you know, the whole movie really suffers as a result. It's a shame, too, because it really seemed like a great idea otherwise.

Without a Paddle - DVD podBLAST

To: Money People
Re: Movie Idea, "Up S#%@ Creek" or "Tree Buddies" or "Without a Paddle" (your choice)

Seth Green is a Fish Out Of Water, Coming Of Age with his Buddies, after they take a Road Trip just to get Lost In The Woods while searching for a Treasure that their Dead Friend, Billy was searching for.

Featuring a Classic Rock Soundtrack and plenty of Nostalgic 80s References, this movie has Box Office Gold written all over it.

Sincerely,
Hollywood Dickhead

The real question is, why is this BLAST two hours and ten minutes long when the movie is only an hour and a half? Let's just say The Love Guru is THAT bad.

Tank Girl - DVD podBLAST

Jim Blanchette joins in the madness for Tank Girl, starring squeaky-voiced silly-monger Lori Petty and Malcolm "I play villains" McDowell.

Ice-T lends his street cred to the film by playing a kanga-human named... T-Saint. Thanks, T.

And thank you, Naomi Watts. Seriously.

Face/Off - DVD podBLAST

Face/Off!? Travolta, Cage!?!

WOO!?!

Arguably the best movie ever BLASTed, but in these strange times (post-BLAST90), the BLASTers have all chosen their must-BLASTs, and RASK has spoken.

So debate it all you want (on the Adudathuda Forum, please), but Face/Off is... BLASTed!

Coyote Ugly - DVD podBLAST

There's something wrong with four guys BLASTing a movie about a super hot chick coming of age with the help of a bunch of slutty bartenders.

The BLASTers are nothing if not sensitive, so instead of ripping Coyote Ugly a new one themselves, they've assembled an all-star list of hot chicks to handle this task in a proper manner.

The All-Girl BLAST! Starring:
Senta Moses
Retta Putignano
Lisa K. Wyatt
Lauren Olsen
Laura Rosenberg

Swept Away - DVD podBLAST

$10M budget, $600K B.O. Madonna. Guy Ritchie.

Someone please get the BLASTers some help.

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever

By BLASTphemer request, here is: Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever

A movie based on a video game based on a draft script for a movie, and baby, it shows.

Props to The 'Bando for taking some pyro in the face, and Lucy Liu for her exotic allure.

The Island of Dr. Moreau - DVD podBLAST

Kilmer at his clowniest, Brando at his brilliant flabbyest, and Fairuza Balk.

PB4 insisted on Moreau based on 'Phemer suggestions, and it certainly was worthy of BLASTing.

Thank you, BLASTphemers. And also, go to hell.

Boxing Helena - DVD podBLAST

Who gives a shit about anyone in this movie?

Plenty of juicy diversions for such a bad movie, but still...

Who gives a shit about ANYONE?!

Back To The Future Part II - DVD podBLAST

Special Guest Alert! Senta Moses joins the BLASTers once again and adds her unique perspective to a movie she hasn't even seen before... Back to the Future Part II.

Verdict? SUCKS.

The Pest - DVD podBLAST

Special Guest alert! It's PB4's birthday, so PB4 The Elder is in town and joins in on the BLAST. That's right - the first ever, in the history of the Universe - a Father/Son BLAST.

Did the BLASTers take it easy on the old man? Negative. Instead, they delivered a quintessential example of a movie that should be erased from the memory of anyone who's ever had knowledge of its existence - The Pest.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation - DVD podBLAST

Kickin' it Season Two style with a good ol' fashioned Franchise Killer!

New Line Cinema rocks the house again with the lethal one-two punch of horrible video game movie and money-grubbing, plotless sequel rolled into one.

Very Bad Things - DVD podBLAST

Very Good Actors playing Very Unsympathetic Characters. Must have been a Very Slow Year for them to accept this Very Dark Comedy, not seeing that it is Very Un Funny.

Very Bad Things is a Very Bad Movie.

The Brothers Solomon - DVD podBLAST

How bad is The Brothers Solomon, starring Will Arnett and Will Forte and written by Will Forte?

How bad is it?

The BLASTers quit on it. That's how bad it is.

Joe Versus the Volcano - DVDpodBLAST

Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, and an all-star cast of actors and filmmakers bring you...

Yet another reason to stay home.

Bandidas - DVD podBLAST

Bien, otro Cinco de Mayo ha venido y ha ido, y como de costumbre, los vaqueros bien-colgados de Adudathuda celebrados dañándose.

Además del tequila y cerveza indispensables, esta opción de la película de los años era Bandidas, un lío mal concebido con Selma Hayak, Penelope Cruz, y Steve Zahn.

¿Y a pesar de los insultos constante de D de Ms. Cruz, quién entre nosotros no habría saltado en la ocasión de tomar el lugar de Steve Zahn en este llenador del tocador?

Las señoras, estamos hablando con usted, también.

Johnny Mnemonic - DVD podBLAST

Mnemonic (new MON ik): A memory aid, such a phrase or poem that aids in recall.

For example:

Johnny Mnemonic sucks
Like getting hit by trucks
I'll make this curt:
Your head will hurt
Unless you listen to us

House of the Dead - DVD podBLAST

Aaaaand we're back.

...but at this rate, not for long.

The uber-requested House of the Dead has finally fallen victim to The 'BLAST, however, as PB4 aptly states, all these "special requests" clearly are meant to destroy us.

With BLASTphemers like these, who needs enemies?

Hot Rod - DVD podBLAST

Take three New York goofballs, give them a shot at making a movie, and you may get gold, you may get shit.

Add the fact that the aforementioned goofballs came to fame making 3 minute internet gems, and the chances for 90 minutes of shit increase.

Take what must be assumed to have been a decent script, remove any trace of story or heart, chances for a triple-coiler increase again.

Your one hope, the only chance for gold, will then rest on the comedic genius of your star.

Sorry, Hot Rod.

Mars Attacks! - DVD podBLAST

Adudathuda Attacks!

This week the gang invades West L.A. and the home of BLASTphemer David G for a first-time ever remote BLAST. Many thanks and mad props to PBDG for hosting and providing snacks and beer.

As for Mars Attacks!... proof that simply loading up a film with A-list talent doesn't make it good, or successful, or entertaining, or funny, or fun to watch.

Half Past Dead - DVD podBLAST

It took two years, but finally, The Admiral's "Seagal Rules" have fallen.

SS, consider yourself BLASTED.

The Party Crashers - DVD podBLAST

DVD podBLAST is breaking format, but it's for a good reason. Yes, this movie was never released in theaters - it may have played at a festival, but no doubt that festival was shut down the next day and all venues burned to the ground.

No, this DVD-only release gets BLASTed because of course, it sucks -- and it does -- but the real reason is because three BLASTers are in it!

While Mangler and PB4 get most of the glory towards the end of the party scene, Walsho does bust out some serious fear-scrambling in the background of a key climactic scene.

Guest BLASTer Michael "Daddy" Taylor wraps it all up nicely when, realizing who he's been watching for an hour and a half, calls one of the stars of the movie.

Super Mario Bros. - DVD podBLAST

A perfect example of a big-budget blockbuster gone bad.

Most shocking about this steamer is that it didn't instantly sink two entire industries - movies and video games.

3000 Miles to Graceland - DVD podBLAST

The normally un-blastable Kurt Russell gets his moment in the Adudathuda Sun in this story-free, heartless, two-hour music video.

It starts stupidly (dueling robotic scorpions?!), gets a bit promising (if totally annoying), but then goes downhill. WAY downhill, baby. And just when you're thanking your lucky stars that the credits are rolling, they hit you with the worst blooper/goof reel in the history of cinema.

Is it a comedy, is it a thriller, is it a buddy movie, is it a heist film? Hey, this one sucks on all levels equally.

Bonus: be sure to listen for the latest ill-advised mid-movie snack.

The Relic - DVD podBLAST

Heyeee Blaastphemers! Season tree continues with dis claasic of American cinema... Da Relic.

An seein as how dis is a movie based in are fine city a Chicaago, yer blaasters get back to der roots by chawin down on some dags and sassages beforehaand. Oh! don worry - we dinnt start da tape till we were done.

But oh were doze dags taystee! D gat 'is sasage ahl smuddered in krote!

Oh yeaa da movie - starrin Tam Sizemore an Panelope Miller - oh man, dis movie saaacks!

Snakes on a Plane - DVD podBLAST

It's about damn time, people!

The bomb that wasn't supposed to bomb but really did because in the course of making a pseudo-bomb, they messed up and it became a real bomb even though the entire wired world thought it would be da bomb but instead it just bombed. And deservedly so.

BLASTphemers, we give you... Snakes On a Plane.

I Know Who Killed Me - DVD podBLAST

It's a season of firsts for DVD podBLAST, and I Know Who Killed Me is no exception.

1st time 2 movies in a row have not previously been seen by Mangler (To his credit, the last two movies are near the bottom of the barrel, even by DVDpB standards.)
1st Lindsay Lohan movie BLASTed
1st movie on Blu-ray BLASTed
1st DVD extras BLASTed

Some sort of clever plot summary would usually sit in this space, but frankly, there's not much to summarize. Suffice it to say that I Know Who Killed Me is The Parent Trap gone very, very wrong.

Dirty Love - DVD podBLAST

Someday in the distant future, a young grad student will be called to do an extensive report on the far-reaching cultural effects of the Adudathuda DVD podBLAST.

Within the body of the report will, necessarily be, a section investigating the oft-suspected extreme masochistic tendencies of the BLASTers.

The strongest evidence this young scholar will present in the aforementioned section will be the fact that "The Illustrious Four", as they've come to be known, subjected themselves to the hole in the universe known as Dirty Love.

One of the worst ever. Period.

...ahem... Speaking of, as a super bonus, tune into the director/star commentary on the DVD, right after the most classless scene ever put to film (you'll know the one), listen as John Asher refers to himself as a "damn good director."

The Illustrious Four say, "no."

Highlander III - DVD podBLAST

How many titles can one movie have?

(courtesy of IMDB.com)
Highlander III
Highlander 3: The Final Conflict
Highlander 3: The Sorcerer
Highlander: The Final Dimension
Highlander: The Magician

How about these:

Highlander: One Was Enough
Highlander 3: Two Too Many
Highlander: The Final Insult
Highlander: I'll Get You Next Time, Gadget!*

* - Spoken by Mario Van Peebles' Kane