The Hottie & the Nottie - DVD podBLAST

Paris Hilton stars in this simple but classic story about a (supposedly) hot chick who won't date someone until her (supposedly) ugly friend finds someone.

This film grossed around $27K domestically, an average of 28 people per theater over opening weekend.

Interestingly, if not for the presence of Ms. Hilton, this movie probably would have been a typical indie love story, flying under the radar and grabbing at least a normal box office for what it is.

Thus proving the equation, Paris Hilton = Disaster.

Inspector Gadget - DVD podBLAST

Plot synopsis: A lonely security guard. A sexy woman who doesn't give him the time of day. Their paths cross one day when the woman's father is brutally murdered with a shot to the head and the murderers attempt to make off with a severed, robotic limb.

Brimming with a toxic mix of lust and anger, the security guard chases the murderers down, only to be killed when a stick of dynamite is thrown into his wrecked car.

Through the miracle of science, he is brought back to life as a half-human, half-machine hybrid.

The rest sort of writes itself.

Studio: Disney.

Target Audience: Kids.

Kazaam - DVD podBLAST

Shaquille O'Neal as a genie in a boombox who follows a young boy around in order to grant him three wishes.

Really, he's a professional basketball player who wants to kick-start his rapping career.

So, you know, the whole movie really suffers as a result. It's a shame, too, because it really seemed like a great idea otherwise.

Without a Paddle - DVD podBLAST

To: Money People
Re: Movie Idea, "Up S#%@ Creek" or "Tree Buddies" or "Without a Paddle" (your choice)

Seth Green is a Fish Out Of Water, Coming Of Age with his Buddies, after they take a Road Trip just to get Lost In The Woods while searching for a Treasure that their Dead Friend, Billy was searching for.

Featuring a Classic Rock Soundtrack and plenty of Nostalgic 80s References, this movie has Box Office Gold written all over it.

Sincerely,
Hollywood Dickhead

The real question is, why is this BLAST two hours and ten minutes long when the movie is only an hour and a half? Let's just say The Love Guru is THAT bad.

Tank Girl - DVD podBLAST

Jim Blanchette joins in the madness for Tank Girl, starring squeaky-voiced silly-monger Lori Petty and Malcolm "I play villains" McDowell.

Ice-T lends his street cred to the film by playing a kanga-human named... T-Saint. Thanks, T.

And thank you, Naomi Watts. Seriously.